Just my feeling and the fact

How many times that i have told myself dont' cry dont' cry.. you are big girl.. big girl don't cry.. But i really can't do it.. I admit that i am not over him yet.. I still use him as my motivation to smile to breath every single days.. I am tired of being myself. I got disease , it's called  major depressive disorder. Yeah correct ..you didn't hear it wrong.. that's the disease that i got.. I can't tell you really how this disease is like.. you better google .. I can survive my life now by medicines...  If i really dont' eat medicine just one day .. worst come to worst ... i can do suicide. .. Why i got this right?.. The begining of this disease start wen my life only got disappoints as a friend. I am heart broken many times. And now it's the third times. Every disappointments noone know how much i hurt ..IT's not just cry and everything will b end. no.. It's not like that... I am suffer by this disease for almost 3 years .. and yeah the only wway to cure is by medicine and environment....I can't be stress... If i stress , i can't do anything ..beside cry till numb till wanna do suicide .. yeah it's torture.. I wish that the person that hurt me, feel how much i hurt.. I hurt triple than the normal person.. yeah u didnt' hear it wrong.. I am not normal..and i don't know when can i cure this disease.